Posts tagged friends

Few things as as enjoyable or important as good conversation. A thought provoking dialogue with someone you trust and respect can change the course of your life.

I’ve been getting myself in the habit of going for runs in the park next to my house lately. Of course, with my asthma these “runs” usually end up more as walks interspersed by wheezing, but hey.

I like that it gets me outside, and I can feel myself getting in better shape. The same route is becoming easier, and I’m not so winded by repeated rounds on the steps that I can’t go exploring afterward. I found a really nice spot today - a flat-topped boulder off the beaten path, on a high rise near the treeline but still in the shade. I might take a book there later, but for this outing I just sat atop it and looked around for a while.

They say people who stop and just experience their surroundings - staring at clouds, watching leaves blow in the wind, are happier and kinder to others. I can see why. It is peaceful, and it helps you center yourself. Relaxing in the park, I can let thoughts drift over me without having to try and find something big and important, or rushing through what I have to do later.

That brought me to a common train of thought I have - what things were like a year ago from whenever I happen to have the thought. One year ago today, I marveled at how much happier I was from one year before then; how excited I was to start a real job, to learn to new things and live on my own - to prove, mostly to myself, that I could be truly independent. I knew I would miss my friends at Binghamton, the social network I had, the reputation. I also knew I’d meet new people and though my friends would probably be fewer in number, they would be important to me.

I’ve learned a lot from this year, and I find myself in an interesting state regarding my happiness. Day to day, I don’t enjoy things as much as I used to on average. I do too much alone, and without people physically around to share experiences with I don’t feel the urge to go out as much. So in that sense, I’m not as happy. That isn’t to say I’m a hermit - I have plans with some friends for tomorrow, which I may move up to today - but I used to do almost everything with company, while the majority of my activities today are solitary. But with life in general, my plans for the future, my hope and confidence… I am in a better place. I’ve proved a lot to myself and learned a great deal along the way, and I’m actually doing things, like running to get in shape, that I would have only briefly considered a year ago.

And perhaps best of all, it’s been two years since I found myself at a point where I could say I actually felt unhappy. I have ups and downs like everyone else, but my life has been good to me and I have a lot to be thankful for.

The weather is cooling, the breeze is blowing and the leaves are changing color. Students are returning, holidays are approaching… Fall is nearly here.

Fall has always been my favorite season, for many reasons. First, I love the weather. Summer is too hot, Winter too inconvenient, and Spring never appealed to me in the same way. In fall, you put on a sweatshirt and jeans, walk outside among the falling, colorful leaves and feel the brisk wind against your face - reminding you that you are alive.

It is also a season of new beginnings. The calendar year might begin during Winter, but the school year begins in the fall and for the last 16 years I have, gone by that calendar more than anything else. Being a nerd, I was always excited to go back to school. The chance to meet new friends, to learn new things… and fall reminds me of all that. I remember the feeling of anticipation, recognizing that there was untold potential in the coming school year. To me, Fall is a season of beginnings.

For the last few years, especially, it has also been a season of reunions. Being a college student, I often made friends with people who lived far away and during breaks I did not see them often. Over summer, my social network would change significantly, and the environment I lived in - the stresses and drama of home - was not as comforting. To return to school and live among friends again was a beautiful and inspirational thing to me, and one which I may miss now but I remember fondly.

To me, fall is the most social season. You meet new people, you see your old friends again, and you can do anything - you can still go out and enjoy a warm day at the beach, or a hike in the woods, but on cooler days it is great to stay inside where it is warm and watch a movie. The perfect balance between seasons and environments.

And besides, fall has some of the best Holidays - Halloween, Thanksgiving, my Birthday (haha). Holidays of fun, of adventure, of friends and family and appreciating what you have.

Further, Fall is a time when people gain an increased appreciation for life - as the leaves die all around us we are reminded of both our fragility and the blessing of our lives. Winter’s approach, with the assurance of an eventual Spring, remind us to enjoy what we have now.

Needless to say, I am looking forward to Fall.

Today was a day notable for its lack of anything major, coupled with the time I’ve spent thinking and speaking to people important in my life. I woke up at around ten, did some reading on the computer, then walked to CVS to buy detergent. On my way there, I called Amber and spoke to her for a bit. On my way back, I called Dan and spoke to him. Then I went to the laundromat (my first time ever using one) and on returning played Mass Effect 2 for a bit. I beat the game today; it was enjoyable and I’m looking forward to the next one. during this time, I was also texting my Dad, as he messaged me.

Today felt comfortable. I walked around and though the area was knew, I felt like I knew where I was going. I am developing familiarity with the area and no longer feel as lost when I try to do simple things. It is nice.

I’m also getting that itch to be more productive. I plan to do some writing on my leadership guide tonight, and I imagine it will be a busy week at work. I’ve also been giving more thought to life in general and where mine is going. My current mood is definitely to serve this year then travel, but we will see if that holds. I think that this year in Boston has and will continue to be a good experience for me.

I am determining my place in the world I live in. I find the thought amusing, as I recently asked someone “who are you in your own life?” and am still waiting for the answer. I suppose I’m still answering it myself.

Listening to the shins and relaxing is a good idea right now. Pleasant.

I haven’t posted in a while, so here are the mini updates on my life over the past few weeks:

Moved to Boston, initially failed at getting stuff off of craigslist. That was where my last real entry ended I believe.

Things improved from there - I managed to get a good bed for $50 off CL and a couple of furniture items. I also found a shopping center with a few grocery stores, a target and a bed bath and beyond. Got some shelving and bed risers from there, so now I can fit everything in my room!

Two weeks ago was the Youth Leadership Forum (YLF) which I went to with the organization I’m now working for. It was a great chance to meet some of the kids I’m working to help, but won’t be in contact with because VISTAs serve indirectly (e.g. I’m not mentoring the kids, but making the mentoring program itself better). It was also nice because I hadn’t previously had much exposure to kids with disabilities (some, just not a lot) and this was the first time I had been around several at once. Thankfully, I think I did really well - I helped out a lot and managed to really connect with a few of the kids. One of them I managed to break through with in a way no one else at the forum could, and I was the only person he’d talk to (he also gave me some great advice for Mass Effect 2~).

After the YLF I had a few days to unpack some more and settle, then off to Philadelphia for my Pre Service Orientation. That was another great experience - I didn’t so much learn as network, but the people there were amazing. There are a good number of VISTAs in Boston and many of them were there. Also, a number of people are serving in communities within an hour or so of Boston. Most of us traded contact info and some are planning to meet up on Tuesday, which should be fun. They’re all truly excellent people and I’m grateful for the chance to get to know them.

This past week was when I officially started work. Unfortunately, I think I’ve also been fighting a cold or something, since I’ve had a sore throat and headaches much of the week. I’ve also been tired as I adapt to the 9-5 schedule. Still, I have been getting to work bright and early and have been pretty productive there. Since I’m still acclimating, there isn’t a terrible amount for me to do, but that has given me time to brainstorm and this week I’ll be meeting with one of my supervisors to start forming a marketing plan for the mentoring program. Overall, I think it is a great place to work and I really like the people there.

That much said, getting acclimated to Boston hasn’t been without its share of frustrations. It is a strange experience having to learn when to drive vs. mass transit, where to buy groceries, watch movies, and other things I had taken my previous knowledge of for granted. Every time I go somewhere, it is a trial to see if I get lost or hit some sort of roadblock. Just yesterday, I got soaked in the rain after work since I’d forgotten to check the forecast, then I missed a movie because I couldn’t find parking - these things are individually dismissible, but they add up and can make me feel lost and frustrated. This is made worse by the fact that most of my usual comforts, aside from reading or video games, are absent (meaning my friends, mostly). That much said, this sort of feeling is exactly why I wanted to go off on my own and why I chose Boston - someplace far enough to be new, but close enough that if I ever truly need help, I have family and friends in reachable distance.

The nice thing about being me is that after I get past the frustration stage, I can actually be thankful for this experience. I know I’ve lived in a well-prepared bubble for most of my life, and I am doing my best to embrace the opportunity to mess up, to be lost, to have to find a way to make due. It is a challenge, and one I know I have the ability to overcome - I just need the willpower to do it. In the end, I will be a stronger person for it all.

With all that out of the way, how am I now? I just got back from spending the evening with my friend Keith. That was really nice - just like old times (tangentially, “just like old times” is a phrase which often applies to my being with friends. Many, if not most, of my friendships don’t seem to be diminished by time the way most people’s are). I may not have many friends around here, but the ones I do have are the best sort. Still, I do find myself missing many people, and missing a certain closeness I don’t exactly have with my friends here. I’m hoping to meet many new friends though, and to find some to be close with. Heck, maybe I’ll even find a girlfriend. I think I am in the right point of my life for a good relationship - I just need to find the right girl.

And maybe a new computer desk too. This one is a little too deep.

I just watched the last episode of Lost. It may not have answered all of the questions and it was definitely a feel-good kind of ending, but I enjoyed it. It returned to the characters, which were always the real draw of the show to me and the message, that there is a special importance, even after death, regarding the people who shape your life rings true. I don’t believe in an afterlife (though it would certainly be nice!) but I do believe we live on in the hearts and minds of others.

And now I’m thinking about the people who would be in my church.

I had my commencement today. Four years I have been here. The best four years of my life.

But you know what moved me most? More than wearing a cap and gown, more than hearing speeches, even more than receiving a certificate and an award…

I spent graduation with the same person I spent orientation with.

That sort of continuity, that testament to the strength of friendship… it means more than anything.

I suppose the best way to describe how I feel right now is that I have a heavy heart. I have a lot of feeling, but it isn’t necessarily good or bad overall.

I look around at the lives other people lead and I feel like mine is significantly different. I don’t have time to go out and party. I don’t find time for many relationships, or even all of my friends. I struggle just to get everything done that I need to do…

Yet I walk around campus and I see people I know, more often than anyone I’ve ever met. I am recognized by others and thanked even when I never expected it. People have some sort of idealized view of me, of “Tom” and it means something to them.

I feel as though I’ve really made something of myself here at Binghamton, but I don’t know if I can sustain it. Part of me is glad that this is my last semester… I need a break

———

Just after I typed that, two people called me back to back. One was crying and said that her boyfriend is abusive and that she wonders what things would have been like if she chose me way back when we were closer. The other thinks she might have a crush on one of my friends and wants me to tell her pros and cons. People want my help… but who am I that they think I’m capable of it?

———

It struck me tonight that my best friend is visiting, but I only had a few hours out of the time he is here to see him. Why? Because the rest of his time will be spend with other friends, one of whom is my ex, and it would make her very uncomfortable for me to be around. Normally this wouldn’t be an issue, but they are celebrating another person’s birthday, and he is much closer to my ex than me and so chose her (and to avoid drama). It isn’t really anyone’s fault. My ex shouldn’t be blamed for being uncomfortable around me, her friend shouldn’t be blamed for not wanting drama on his birthday (something I certainly understand) and my best friend certainly can’t be blamed for respecting that… its just a bit sad. She may never forgive me, and she’ll almost certainly never realize that I truly cared for her, and I still do genuinely hope she’ll be happy someday. But to her I am someone to be feared, to be uncomfortable around.

It probably didn’t help that we all went to the same play tonight and I went with two (pretty) girls. They’re just friends, but it could be construed as being meant to imply something. Of course, most of my friends are girls, but when people want to find something negative about you they will.

So many of my friends are girls, but I get into so few relationships. I used to think I just ended up in the “friend zone” a lot, but that isn’t entirely it. Much of it is that I used to hold back my feelings for people. But I think another factor is that I’m waiting for just the right relationship to come along. Once in a while, I really fall for someone, and I seem to meet new people who make me feel something completely different from anything I’ve known before and absolutely wonderful. It happened this summer, it happened last fall… it will happen again. Heck, maybe it has already started. It’s worth waiting for to me, and I don’t want to settle. I don’t want to be in a relationship because I’m only, or because it is there. I want to be in one because I’m falling for the person. As for so many of my friends being girls, they just happen to be looking for friendships similar to what I want. I don’t really care for friendships where you just hang out or play video games and don’t bond. I don’t have time for that. I want something lasting.

———

I have a lot to do. An AIDS Walk tomorrow, dinner plans, Eboard interviews and a training class Sunday. A paper, the GRE Verbal on Monday. I think some of my eboard members/friends are less than happy with me. I’m happy that another eboard appreciates me much more than I thought, and probably more than I deserve. My friend is sad, but I am there for her, sort of. I should have asked her out when she was around, but I also wouldn’t have had the same wonderful life I know I have had, even with its troubles.

Life isn’t good or bad, really. Life just is. Everything else is how we perceive it to be.

The quality and course of your life is strongly affected by the people you surround yourself with. Dramatic, immature people will make your life a stressful hell. Secure, compassionate people will make life easier and more pleasant. It goes further than this though. Outgoing people will make you more outgoing, having more acquaintances rather than a few close friends will keep you shallower… really your company is not just a reflection of your personality, it is the foundation for building the person you will become.

And so I feel bad for the people I know who surround themselves with people who aren’t good for them, and I have been making the tough decision to let some people drift away because I know holding on to them will not be building a better life for either of us. Unfortunately, even though I think I am a good person and a good influence, I can only be that if the people in my life choose to have me there, not if I simply put myself near them.